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"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. He who looks outside dreams, while he who looks inside awakens." --Carl Jung

"Those who trumpet their sufferings are usually most deserving of agony"
-- Oderus Urungus of Gwar

"Love is one of those things that people seek to understand and know, when in truth it is something that you can only feel."
-- myself

"You may have created my past and fucked up my present, but you have NO control over my future"

"Don't think you are, Know you are"

"If it doesn't work the first time, it more than likely won't the second time"
- My father on relationships

"We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams"
- Willy Wonka

"The more you sweat during training,
The less you bleed during battle"
-another stolen from Kushiel

"No man or woman is worth your tears... and the one who is, won't make you cry."
-stolen from Kushiel's page

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

"A good Commander will lead his troops to victory,
A great Commander will lead them home."
-Cover of Navy Times

"To live is to suffer, to find meaning in the suffering is to live"
- unknown
holy poo
Thursday. 3.29.07 3:14 am
damn, its been a loooong time since i've been here, moved onto myspace. lol, well newy. i'm currently in iraq serving my country, damn this lace sucks. it smells mst of time. thats abut it. they burn everything here. neway.

just wanted to say hi t everyone and let them know that i'm ok.... if anyone wants t email me..... inkedkai@hotmail.com is very i'm currently recieving mail....

wish me luck

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Saturday. 1.21.06 2:15 pm
well, nothing too new to report this time. i've started taking kenpo lessons. its a martial art for those of you who are clueless as to what it is. beyond that, i've got nothin really to say

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ok , here we go
337th day of 2005
ok, to add on to the last entry. i got promoted to the paygrade of E-4, which is the rank of Third Class Petty Officier. its ok, i don't get paid for it for like another 3-4 months. but i did score on the advancement test in the 93% meaning i scored better than 93% of the people who took it.. i guess it was about time i stepped up and showed my true knowledge. now i can't claim to not know something because i'm just a seaman. ha! yea, i know 'seaman', o shut up.neway

so my relationship with my wife is kinda odd, she's digging into that darker area of my being and bringing out the darker desires in me. i know your wondering what these darker desires are... but should i tell you? hell, why not? you'll never meet me or know my legal name. my wife likes sex to be rougher than ....whats socailly acceptible. .... well, let me back track a little, i am what you would call a medium sadist, i do take sexually enjoyment from cause others pain but it is not a must to have sex. so, in the true pyschology sense, i'm not truely a sadist but however, i believe all of that is but perception. now, why is this change in our relationship worht mentioning? well, i once had a relationship with a younge women, before i joined the service. her and i relationship was very destructive to one another, we.... 'enjoyed' the harsher, darker, and less acceptible ideals of sex. (though i must say that i enjpyed it throughly, i mean, it was some of the best sex i had ever had). but i decided to lock that part of me away due to it not being accepted by most females as part of a 'normal' relationship also due to the fact that for some reason i begun to believe that enjoying such things was wrong and immoral, though i maintained the opinon of "violence is accpetible in three places.. the ring (meaning boxing, wrestling, marital arts, etc.), the mosh pit (if you don't know what that is, than don't worry about it), and the bed room. i just choose to not accept a part of myself by dening myself those pleasures related to that past relationship, i guess due to me not wanting my marriage to end up like that relationship. torn, broken, and in no way repairible. but for some reason it seems to work with my wife and i. her wanting to feel pain and me wanting to cause it. perhaps, i have found one that will make my happy. i find peace afterwards and so does she. i don't know if its the same peace i had so long ago in va with kushiel but.... it is peace. ...

but what is peace? well, lets look it up
The absence of war or other hostilities.
An agreement or a treaty to end hostilities.
Freedom from quarrels and disagreement; harmonious relations: roommates living in peace with each other.
Public security and order: was arrested for disturbing the peace.
Inner contentment; serenity: peace of mind.

Used as a greeting or farewell, and as a request for silence.

at peace
In a state of tranquillity; serene: She is at peace with herself and her friends.
Free from strife: Everyone wants to live in a world at peace.
keep/hold (one's) peace
To be silent.
keep the peace
To maintain or observe law and order: officers who were sworn to keep the peace.

ok thats what dictionary.com has for it. now, what is my diff of peace? to be without anger, worry, and .... to be free of mind. .... its too hard to define what i feel, its like i can commune with the Source. i feel the pressence of the Source, more so than at any other time..... hmmm... its something to think about...

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333th day of 2005
well, i finally got promoted.... i'm now HM3, Third Class Petty Officier in the Navy. Ya for me. lol, neway not much to say beyond that, well there is but no time to say it. so laters all ... and of by the way i won't be spending time in va next year

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321th day of 2005
i have to agree with you z, (sry can't remember how to spell it out). it was good that i was unable to see that person being that i 'loved' her for many years and harbored that love somewhere in me for such a long period of time... but we all know its hard to let go of something we are so used too. but now i think i'm over that...

well, for an update on my life..... i'm probably be back in va for about 6-7months next year. it'll be kind-a odd being back there. also, it will be interesting to see how i do without my wife near me and also to see how she does with me being gone for so long... i think she can handle it. it'll be an experience to remember. but i can't wait to go to that school though, (oh srry i didn't even tell you guys the school, lol, well, its optrician school). the school just seems so damn, interesting, with the promise of the challenge of math and physics... hehehe i like math (i'm such a nerd!!) neway.

my wife and i are getting along pretty well i guess. i'm happy enough, her as well. and thanks T for smacking some sense into me...umm.... i guess this entry is just gonna have to end here.... sry you all.... night

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it would seem unfair....
291th day of 2005
i have pushed away the last one remaining in my heart and now my wife has it all to herself and yet, that is not true. part of me hopes that i can undo what has been done. i dream of a life that can never be a wish a want a desire unseen for so long that i must not see it or lose all faith with myself and my wife. how can i live a life that is a lie? easily for i am a lie. i pushed away the one i chased till i married another. i had hoped one day to catch that one was chased. i wanted nothing more than to relive the day in the summer, where i watch the sun light play upon emerald leaves outside that high window. i grieve for what i had cast aside. a name tattooed into flesh, i must ask why would you do that? are you truely that person, are you truely loving me as i give love to another who has earned through time and pain? are you the one i was meant for when the angels pulled me back from the depths of death? are you the one who was made for my delight and yet my torture, much like the one you are named for? do you mock me at years half end, or end if you are of the old faith. why did you call upon me now when you have been silent for so long? why must you tear my heart out just as it is whole again? i loved you with everything that i am, i sought to be your perfect companion and that was ot enough for you, becasue i must go half a nation away and serve my country so that i could learn to be a man and not a boy? i had to leave don't you understand? i left to gain my manhood which i would have lost for all life had i stayed and continued with my old path. now i must endure this life i have made for myself and yet i have hope for the future, i leave soon to go near home, mere hours away and yet i can not tell you this yet, but i will soon. and i will show the love that i have carried within me protected for time unmentioned and time lived through grief and pain. i will tell you of my hardships and what i have given up and given up for you as well. just wait dear one and you will see, that though i play games with spoken words my written ones speak truer than all.

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"It's not about whos right, it's about who's left" Senior Grand Master Ed Parker

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